


Cwmderi is Cwmderi

by straeon



Category: People of the Valley, Pobol y Cwm
Genre: Depression, Injury, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-06-07 06:32:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15213248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/straeon/pseuds/straeon
Summary: "Cwmderi yw Cwmderi" - Eifion.





	Cwmderi is Cwmderi

It started with this stupid scam. Garry Monk and his small town gangster crap. 

He was just a big fish in a very small pond and when confronted by men with actual power (and knives), look what happened.

Of course Eifion wouldn't say any of that aloud or in the general vicinity of Garry Monk or in the general vicinity of anyone who may be in the general vicinity of Garry Monk in future.

 _Idiot,_ Eifion thought as he looked down at Garry in bed. In the guest bedroom upstairs at Penrhewl Farm. Cadno did not keep this always prepared like this for a wannabe gangster to bleed all over these crystal white sheets... Eifion's blood would be on them next when she saw.

He watched the wounded man beneath the white sheets, nearly looking peaceful, nearly good. He stirred. A pain shot across his face.

Eifion jumped forward from where he'd been perched against the bedroom wall, next to the door. Not that he had any idea what to do - maybe call the Doctor again? Couldn't call an ambulance if anything did happen. 

But Garry looked okay now - well, better. Not in pain maybe, but just remembering the pain of earlier. A deep furrow across his face. Worry. Probably reflected in Eifion's own face right now.

 _It'll be fine,_ he thought, and turned away. He forced himself to leave the room, close the door carefully behind him...

 

It hadn't even started with that. Not really. 

Maybe it started when he came to Cwmderi.

Not-so-freshly out of prison, chasing after Cadno. Her with her vulpine name and it was him that had gone to prison for stealing sheep - because what else do people get in trouble for in Cwmderi, other than farm related crimes? 

It was exciting then - them against the world. Running away together, from his past petty crimes, from her family who hated him. He had long hair and a thirst for what was out there, what he could get in trouble for next, and she still found that intriguing, attractive even, then. 

Years passed and they settled down, to farm, still in Cwmderi after all these years. 

Together now again, after 2 sons, several splits, his affairs, both their other relationships, all his mistakes - and she made some too even. 

But still he would never be good enough for perfect Cathryn "Cadno" Richards. Not to her family, not to any of the many elderly women who adored her, not to the rest of the village and probably not to her either.

Worst of all, he always knew he wasn't good enough for her either. It was his selfish need to be with her, her sense of responsibility and duty always a rock. Whatever _cawlach_ he made of things, she'd always know what to do. She took care of him. 

When the responsibility was too much for him, a black cloud crept over him. The darkness surrounded him, existed constantly inside of him for a period... Making him wonder if any of this was worth it - if he could ever be good enough. 

Cadno was there. She pulled him back from the edge. Reminded him when he was pushing himself, when he needed to take it easy, for his health.

But how did he ever repay her? 

How could he? She'd always be better. Salt of the earth. Perfect mother, but still with that fire in her belly, to take on anyone who threatened her way of life. 

 

Which was him this time. 

Eifion and his stupid scam with Garry. Just to make easy money, and from the farm - ON the farm even. 

She warned him not to let him in. But he was foolish and didn't listen. Trusted him even?

But they were in way over his heads. He was way over his.

It was his own idiotic mistake in the end that lost them money.

That he went in with Garry, for revenge, after that - didn't hold him back because he was himself too hot headed for that - was his worst move. 

All he really remembered now was it all blew up in their faces. He was on his hands and knees with a blunt pain shooting through his stomach, his ribs, his back.

And then Garry was on the floor too, with a sickening thud. He reached out to him through his own blinding pain. 

It was fine of course, in the end. Sort of. 

Took him to the Family Doctor, unofficially. Took his own worn green jacket of his back and tried to stop the bleeding of Garry's stab wound. Let him stay in his own home, even when he'd brought all this to them. Worried about him...

Then when the whole thing went to pieces around him, he was on his own to pick them up. The damage he'd done to the people he cared about, his family, their home.

But he couldn't pick up the pieces. He just left instead. Let Cadno fix his mess. It's what she always did.

 

Before, when Eifion hit Tyler and thought he'd injured him, seriously, she fixed it. She knew something was wrong, sensed his lies, saw his guilt. And she dealt with it. How could he get through that without her?

But she didn't know him as well as she thought - or even as well as he thought. Not below the surface. The things no one knew because he'd buried it so deep...

When he left, tail between his legs, abandoning her, he didn't need her then. And he didn't care about whether they needed him - just pushed it out of his mind. And for some reason, like never before, inside he did start to piece something together. 

He didn't mean to. He hadn't gone away to find himself, to figure things out, and he hadn't succeeded in doing that anyway. 

But when he was alone, it just came to him.

The care he'd felt for the wounded man in his bed. 

His resentment of Tyler, and his perfect relationship with Iolo, and the beautiful baby girl they were adopting. 

How easy it was for them.

Of course, Eifion didn't mean it as a homophobic remark when he told Tyler he shouldn't be adopting a little girl. He'd been numbing his feelings in lager and cider and red wine. Eifion knew he wasn't homophobic, had never held any ill will towards Tyler and Iolo because of that, but their 'romantic night out' bothered him in some way. Tyler's confidence in himself - and they were similar in a way really, how quick they were to anger. But the lives they'd chosen to lead were so different. 

How the thought of confessing to attacking him filled him with those dark feelings that he'd kept at bay for so long.

He could not go back to prison. Ever. He'd run and be the _cachgu_ everyone thought he was rather than go back to that.

How he watched them together, because he was guilty about what he'd done, paranoid they'd find him out, but still he watched them, Tyler and Iolo in their embrace, for a second too long, a second longer than he needed to.

It bothered him too that when though Tyler forgave him when he found out (it hadn't been him that seriously injured him after all), and a huge weight was lifted from his shoulders, Iolo's remarks still dug at him. Something still wasn't right.

Under Garry's thumb and after nearly spiraling in all the lies - not just his but Cadno's helping someone die, yet not feeling any of the guilt or paranoia he'd felt - and then the threat to his business... He had to do something, for his family... But also for himself. 

But it all blew up in his face. He'd gone about it the wrong way, entirely, but he was trying to be a good partner, a good father, a good farmer even, after all he'd put Cadno through - all the affairs, going after women who were there when he got bored... Always wanting something else, something more. He couldn't be the perfect husband and father. That wasn't him.

 

Eifion found himself in a bar in Swansea. Well, he'd been huddled over a few bars since he'd been laying low here, kind of enjoying the anonymity of it, though he knew he shouldn't be. He should be hating himself, wallowing in his own failure and shame. 

But nobody here knew about all the failures in his life.

And when he passed a certain bar in the city, he realised that no one here knew anything else about him either - not the family, children...

His curiosity overcoming him, he went in. Already dressed in the most presentable shirt he'd brought with him and even entirely clean clothes. Because maybe a part of him had planned to come here, to just pass by, all along. 

Eyeing the groups of men, the couples, together and again he secretly resented their happiness, their pride in themselves, out here in the open. He kept his head down. Ordered a drink and, downed it, then more drinks, staring down the bottom of a glass to stop himself from staring around him. 

The atmosphere washed over him though, and he felt less ashamed of the curiosity that existed inside him. 

No, that wasn't the right word.

Curiosity was when he was a boy and watched the other boys around him, as well as the girls. Or when he was a teenager and wanted to be closer to certain friends then he knew he should. Or when he was an adult man, having realised that curiosity should be hidden, kept a secret that not even his partner in life knew about; saw gay couples together, happy, and wondered what that would be like. 

This was more than that. He wasn't curious any more. He knew how he felt and he knew he couldn't bury it any longer. 

 

'You OK?' A deep but soft voice next to him asked. 

Eifion had noticed already the man at the bar who was watching him, shooting glances his way, indeed curious. Not the first who'd shown interest since he'd got here but somehow the first who he didn't want to snarl away from him.

'Who's asking?' Eifion asked, looking up at him for the first time. The man had a kind face and smiled at him. He held his breath for a moment and knew that the confidence in his voice wasn't reflected in his awkward body language. It was obvious to anyone that he wasn't comfortable in here. 

'Alun,' he answered and stuck his hand out. 

Eifion looked at him for a moment, stupidly surprised. He wasn't even sure if they did this in gay bars. Introduced themselves, shook hands? He definitely hadn't planned to tell anyone he was Eifion Rowlands of Penrhewl, Cwmderi. 

'Uh,' he took his hand and he wasn't surprised it was warm but he was surprised how comfortable he felt. 'John,' he said finally.

He cursed at himself, especially at Alun's chuckle. 

John ac Alun, iconic (nay, legendary) Welsh country duo. Yeah, that was them.

Eifion worried he could see through his lies already, but John was a common enough name that maybe he'd just accept the coincidence. Or he didn't care, as he leant against the bar next to Eifion.

'Ti'n siarad Cymraeg?' Alun asked.

'Ydw,' Eifion confirmed. 

Their shared language brought them closer together already, then finding other commonalities between them. Laughing together at the bar, like he would with friends over a pint in Y Deri, the Cwmderi tavarn. Just with the added lingering looks, into Eifion's open brown eyes, the warmth between their bodies, too close together for a pub yet unnoticed here. Alun put his hand over his as he spoke, more than once, and Eifion fought the instinct to pull away - because he didn't want to pull away from him. He smiled, intentionally flashing his white teeth, sat forward, mirrored Alun's caresses, looked back into his eyes...

When the conversation came to a natural pause, their heads were already bowed close together. Alun reached out to him and that was when that panic took ahold of him again. That ingrained belief that this was wrong. 

He pulled away. Alun gave him a questioning look but then seemed to understand. He looked away but nodded. 

'John,' Alun said gently. 

'Huh?' Eifion nearly responded before remembering that that was his name to him, with regret. What had felt so honest, so real, between them, he was reminded was all lies...

He looked around, as if checking no one would see, then placed a hand over Alun's.

'Let's get out of here.'

 

His house wasn't that far away, as Alun lived in town. Eifion couldn't help but be impressed when he drove him up to it. 

For a moment, though, the thought struck him that he was at a stranger's house, in a stranger's car, and that he was a man - 

'Is this okay?' Alun asked though and he already felt at ease.

They were still in his car, neither making a move to get out.

'You know, we don't have to-'

Not letting him finish, Eifion leant forward, closing the gap between them.

When he kissed him, his thoughts raced with 'Is this different?' 'Is this okay?' 'What the hell am I doing?' And God, he had no idea. 

That stopped when he felt Alun's hand on the back of his head, reassuring as ever, and then he was kissing him back. 

Somehow, it was right. 

When they finally pulled apart, all he could hear in the car was his own shaky breathing. No questions. He knew what he wanted.

'John?' Alun asked, as Eifion abruptly got out of the car.

Eifion hushed him, not wanting to hear that reminder of his lies. He motioned for him to get the door, to come inside. 

Alun locked the car and made his way to the front door of his house with a smile, Eifion following comfortably in the darkness they were now in.

'Wow,' Eifion said quietly, continuing to be impressed by the house interior. 

'This is new to you, isn't it?' Alun asked, watching him carefully. 'It's okay, I've not been out myself for that long-'

'No,' Eifion denied, embarrassed by this kink in his confidence. 

'Maybe not being with men but-' Alun shrugged. 'All this.'

Shaking his head, Eifion didn't know what to say. 

'I'm just saying because I like you,' Alun said. 'I don't want to take this too fast.'

Eifion sighed and nodded. 

He took Alun's arm and pulled him upstairs after him.

It was different. Not just for the obvious reason but this all was so... He had never gone home with a man before. Never been with someone this thoughtful, considerate - the complete opposite of his own rash and selfish personality. It felt... safe. From the outside world, from whoever he didn't want to see him like this. From his own misgivings that he'd left outside. He was completely free to explore these feelings he'd kept hidden for so long, only now and again getting to maybe partly satisfy them. 

Eifion let him take off his shirt when they entered his bedroom, but Eifion got impatient at his intentional slowness - pushed him backwards, then, following him down onto the bed, kissed him hungrily. 

While he didn't want to hold anything back any more, desperate nearly to get this out of his system, Alun still pulled him back, steadied him. It was the perfect balance.

 

When Eifion woke up in his bed the next morning, he was uncertain, though getting used to waking up in strange places. 

Then seeing Alun, that same smile brought a comfort to him, as well as a knot in his stomach as he remembered the night before.

'Hangover cure?' Alun offered when Eifion finally came down and joined him in the kitchen.

'Yeah please,' Eifion said, slumping into a chair across from him. Not looking directly at him. 

Alun sensed the internal struggle the man he'd brought home was still dealing with and let him be. He put a hand on his shoulder when he brought him breakfast, made small talk as they ate, only asked him what he was doing for the day. 

'Yeah, I dunno,' was all he answered. The far away look in his eyes suggested he was hardly listening to what he was saying.

But he still wanted to hear his voice. 

When he rushed out of there, grabbing his coat and his phone, he hovered at the front door before he could open it. 

'Want a ride somewhere?' Alun asked behind him, still frustratingly so damn nice. 'I did drive you here after all.'

'No,' Eifion said. He turned to face him after a moment. 'No. I just... need to be alone. To think... For a while, I think.' 

Alun stepped forward and took his phone from his hand - carefully, checking he was okay with it, like he had been throughout their encounter together - and made sure he had his number. 

'You can get in touch with me if you want,' Alun said. 'If you don't - well, I hope you do, but... It's fine if you don't.' 

Eifion nodded and left. Found his own way back to where he was staying. Hated himself for the rest of the day, with his hungover sickness. 

But he kept thinking of the night before. Kept feeling him again - the sexual satisfaction but also the falling asleep in someone's arms. 

Of course he called him. They met again but soon ended up back at Alun's place. This soon became the pattern between them. 

 

Three weeks had passed when he had to go home. That was as much as he told Alun, and that he still had his number. He didn't know if he would use it - and he deleted texts in case Cadno would see - and he suspected that Alun knew that this may be the end between them already.

When he got home, it wasn't any longer his home. Again he was displaced.

It was his own fault. He'd lost the farm. But he was quickly reminded of that, what a failure he had been, by Cadno's harsh, but entirely truthful, words. He'd left her, and their children, to pick up the pieces, and deal with the whole fallout without him. 

'The farm will be worse with you there, not better!' Cadno yelled.

'Exactly. Cutting corners, making a quick buck...' Eileen, the farm owner, continued. 

He lost his temper but they were right - he was a liability.

And then he was living above a bloody shop, even being expected to work there. He'd finally totally failed at being a farmer, like he knew he was meant to be, and he knew now that he'd returned, his heart wasn't at all still in this life he'd tried to carve out for himself...

He contacted Alun again nearly immediately. Just to have someone who seemed to be on his side. Someone who didn't know what he was really like, what his life was really like. 

They quickly got back into their pattern, of meeting up, going back to Alun's, just in the day now.

Cadno hardly noticed when he left, even in a nice shirt - didn't ask where he went. 

It was easy. None of the guilt he'd felt before. After all, it wasn't Eifion that Alun was seeing - maybe even falling for - it was John. 

It was a release from his less than satisfying real life. Meeting up with Alun was all he had to look forward to. It was comfortable, this dual life he led - he was even happy with him sometimes.

Then it all came crashing down.


End file.
